Stop Making Hollow Apologies at Work

Chad repeatedly undermined Sue by sharing private information behind her back to her subordinates. When Sue confronted him, Chad said he was sorry in order to move past the issue.

Brenda continuously micromanaged her subordinates, leading to feelings of disrespect and low morale among her team members. When they talked to her about it, Brenda offered what seemed like a sincere apology and said she’d work on empowering them.

Jack cut off Pat midsentence during Pat’s presentation to senior leaders and moved the conversation in an entirely different direction. When Pat later told Jack how hurtful that was, given all the preparation that had gone into their proposal, Jack seemed sincerely sorry for his lack of self-awareness in that moment.

All good, right?

I used to think so. I desperately wanted key people in my life to stop denying that they had hurt me. “If they would just apologize!” it would feel so much better, I was sure. I’d stop feeling hurt or angry, and the relationship would be on its way to repair.

I realized I was wrong, though, when I still felt bad after some apologies — sometimes even worse than I felt about the offense itself. Eventually, it dawned on me that the problem with so many apologies (including ones I’ve made) is that no matter how many good elements of an apology are present — being specific about what you’re apologizing for, using the word “sorry,” not making excuses — one fundamental thing is often missing: a pledge to stop repeating the problematic behavior, with noticeable follow-through.1

As a result, far too many apologies, though seldom stated explicitly, amount to “I’m sorry … but I’m not going to change.”

In the situations above, for example, Chad continued to say too much to Sue’s subordinates, Brenda kept micromanaging, and Jack kept stealing the limelight from Pat and others. As a result, the affected relationships deteriorated further. The lack of change conveyed that the apologizing person couldn’t be trusted, their words held no value, and further investment in that relationship would be futile. We’ve likely all had hurtful experiences like this, where it became painfully clear that someone was more interested in moving on than in changing their behavior.2

This phenomenon — which I label as “sorry, not sorry” — also shows up in personal relationships that are abusive or involve people with active addictions. When a spouse repeatedly physically or verbally assaults their partner or children or abuses substances, the offender may offer emotional, seemingly sincere, apologies time and again. However, what matters is whether they stop the behavior. Heartfelt apologies aren’t enough. We expect to see evidence of change, not just sorrow. A sincere apology can’t be ascertained right after someone says they’re sorry: People have to see the offender consistently work to earn back their trust and respect.

The same is true in work contexts, whether you’re talking about apologies for bad interpersonal behavior, shoddy effort, mistakes that affect teammates, or decisions or outcomes that hurt stakeholders. Yes, people want to know we have remorse. But that’s not all they want to hear. They want to know that we’re committed to doing something differently and that we intend to hold ourselves accountable for it.

The ‘Sorry, Not Sorry’ Experience

I asked a group of professionals and managers from diverse backgrounds and industries to share an example of when a leader had offered them an apology but then committed the same offense again. Almost everyone easily recalled an instance where someone’s apology had ended up being little more than empty words.

Commonly, these “sorry, not sorry” examples involved low-quality work or work effort, verbal abuse, undermining behavior, or lack of courtesy. Many involved bad management — leaders engaging in a cycle of unkept promises followed by apologies. Some leaders kept failing to advocate for their people, address unfair situations, or listen to suggestions, for example. Others kept canceling scheduled meetings at the last minute.

I also asked these professionals to describe how they felt when it became clear that the apology they had received wasn’t going to result in any change. “Disappointed” was the top response, followed closely by “frustrated,” “annoyed,” and “angry.” “Sad,” “betrayed,” “afraid,” “numb,” and “hopeless” were also mentioned.

How did the empty promises affect the work relationships? Not surprisingly, most people lost trust in the leader. Common responses: “I was skeptical of all future promises,” “I double-check everything now,” and “I delegate or share less.” People also noted that they could no longer like, respect, or consider the unkept-promise maker a mentor. Some people even said that they now avoid that leader “at every opportunity,” “keep it just to business,” or have stopped communicating with the person altogether.

These outcomes negatively affect not only the offended party but also the organization: People harmed by “sorry, not sorry” start sharing less information, giving less effort, or even looking for a new job.

What to Do if You’re the Offender

We all make mistakes and do things that hurt others, and most of us apologize at least some of the time. The tough news: No matter how hard it is for us to say we’re sorry, we must realize that those words are actually the cheap part.

What’s costlier is changing our behavior to a degree that the people we’ve negatively affected notice and feel that the breach has been repaired. Here are some ways to hold yourself accountable for reaching that higher standard.

Stop blaming others or the situation for what you’ve done wrong. While behavior often has multiple causes or triggers, a focus on external attributions doesn’t help you internalize the need to correct and control your own future behavior.3 For example, if your explanations to others are loaded up with statements like “I was put under such stress,” “Others weren’t carrying their weight,” or “The timeline was impossible,” there’s a reasonable chance that those statements will become rationalizations for inaction. New and better behavior starts with the acceptance that your actions, whatever the causes, are your responsibility to change.

Stop focusing on or talking about your intentions. When we are apologizing, we often focus on what we meant to do or why we did what we did. Sometimes that information is relevant — especially if the behavior was truly out of the norm for us — but often, it’s another way we rationalize away the need to do the work required to change a pattern of behavior. Talking about intentions is a good way to fool ourselves: Hundreds of studies indicate that the relationship between even preestablished intentions and actual behavior is not very strong.4 And when you didn’t even formulate an intention before doing something — as is often the case with screwups — trying to justify your mistake with post hoc talk about your intentions is a lie to yourself and others.

It’s not a real explanation. Plus, when you’ve hurt or disappointed someone, they don’t really care about your intentions. If your offenses have formed a pattern, they won’t be fooled by your intention claims anyway. They’ve seen what economists and psychologists call your revealed preferences — your observable behaviors, not your predictions or introspections.5 What matters is what you did and will do going forward. For example, if you consistently disrespect your colleagues by talking behind their backs or checking emails during meetings, does it really matter that, in your mind, your intentions were only to be helpful to others? Likely, no — and certainly not if you keep doing those things even after you apologize.

Start following up. When confronted with the harm we’ve done, it’s logical that we’d like to put that feeling of guilt or shame behind us as quickly as possible. That’s, as I’ve said, one reason we offer apologies: We want people whom we’ve negatively affected to forgive and forget so that we can too. When you let your apology be the last thing said about the issue, though, you may not know whether you’ve actually put the issue to bed for others. To hold yourself accountable, make it a practice to follow up and ask some hard questions: “Have I stopped (or started) doing what I promised you I would? Are there occasions where I’ve slipped back into that behavior again?” This isn’t easy or fun — most feedback-seeking isn’t — but it’s important, given that none of us has perfect self-awareness.6 Be especially watchful here regarding bad (unconscious) habits that you’ve claimed to be committed to changing.

Don’t apologize if you know you don’t intend to change. Saying you’re sorry when you don’t intend to stop a behavior or start addressing the issue isn’t “big-hearted”: It’s disingenuous and self-serving. It means that you want to be forgiven (or have others forget) without doing any work beyond the few seconds it takes to apologize. Say, for example, someone on your team says they feel micromanaged and undervalued because you continually intervene and change aspects of their work. Your instinct might be to apologize because it feels bad to be told these things about yourself. But if the reason you’re heavily involved in that person’s work right now is that it’s riddled with errors or could damage the whole group or organization, why say “sorry” for your continuous intervention? Perhaps instead, tell them, “I know you don’t like my intervening, and I don’t either. However, the root cause of that is the inadequate quality of your work, and until that improves, I’m not going to stop what I’m doing.”

What to Do If You’re the Apology Recipient

When we’re the one who is due an apology, we can also play a role in the repair process. I know that can feel unfair, and even scary, but taking the following actions can be worthwhile if we care about reestablishing trust (or just a civil working relationship).

Name the pattern. Being gracious when accepting an apology has a lot of merit. “Rubbing someone’s face in it” says something negative about you, makes the apologizer feel worse, and probably lessens the likelihood of positive change or a repaired relationship. But perhaps the apologizer has indicated that they see only the isolated incident at hand and not the series of offenses you’ve experienced: Here, if you hope for change, it’s important to name the pattern. Try saying something like “I appreciate your apology. What concerns me is that this has been happening repeatedly, so I’m worried that it will continue.” This isn’t an attack; it’s an honest statement about where you’re at and why. This approach won’t always lead to the offender asking for other specific examples and developing stronger motivation to change, but sometimes it will.

Name the hurt. Quickly accepting an apology — “It’s OK; let’s move on” — might be nice in the moment (for both you and the apologizer). The downside is that it prevents you from sharing what might be a motivator for the other person to change: how their behavior made you feel and respond. Frankly, people often need an emotional jolt to commit to change, and your telling someone about the outcomes of their behavior might be that jolt. You might be comfortable sharing how the offender’s action has left you feeling — “really hurt” or “so angry.” Or you might feel safer naming the outcomes of those emotional impacts — “It has damaged my willingness to trust you” or “It has led me to avoid you.”

Ask for what you need. If the truth is that you’re not going to be willing or able to forgive, or to move forward productively without demonstrable action, you need to say what that is. It’s reasonable to expect people to care about what hurts you or violates your boundaries; it’s not reasonable to expect them to magically know what that specifically involves. Nice as it would be, we’re just not good at knowing what’s in others’ minds.7 So, for example, if you’re angry because someone keeps failing to stand up for you, tell them, in specific terms — to whom, on what occasions — and how you’d like to see them start standing up.

None of the above strategies means you have to further expose yourself to abusive or hurtful behavior. If you’ve tried these things and nothing has changed or, even worse, it led to further harm, stop trying and focus on protecting yourself. If you can stay completely out of the person’s path, do so. If you can’t, try to minimize your exposure — or consider whether it’s time to get out of that job role or organization.

What to Do if You Manage the Offender

Sometimes we’re a third party — for example, the manager of the apologizer and/or the affected person — so we’re involved in an attempted reconciliation between two people. Here, it can be helpful to reinforce some of the actions taken by both parties. To repeat: Changing bad habits is hard. The more nudges offenders can get from multiple sources, the better. It’s also your job as a manager to support the offended. So to help hold apologizers responsible for actual change, you might:

Make it clear that you don’t evaluate intentions; you evaluate behavior. If you, as a leader, want to help stop a pattern of bad behavior, make it clear that that’s what will be evaluated, and hold everyone accountable to behavioral standards. Knowing that one’s boss (or colleagues or friends) won’t accept “what you meant to do” or “intended by that” can be a needed source of external motivation for change. A leader can’t stop other people’s rationalizations from happening, but they can stop someone from behaving unacceptably at work.

Hold follow-ups about behavioral change. When you know that a rift has occurred, follow up with both parties, not just in the immediate aftermath but also over time, to make sure that changes are indeed happening. Said one leader I interviewed, “I schedule regular follow-ups after difficult situations to make sure [people] don’t fall into the same trap.” That’s good advice for us all. It helps keep the offender on track and shows the offended party that you do care about preventing future harm to them and others.

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Whether we’re the offender or the offended, or someone else trying to reestablish trust and respect after inevitable mistakes, here’s the thing we all need to remember about meaningful apologies: You don’t just say you’re sorry — you show it. That’s true for one-offs and even more true when our need to apologize reflects a pattern of problematic behavior. In the end, being sorry isn’t enough. Behaving better is the standard for emotionally mature leaders.